In two hours and ten minutes I have a meeting concerning the afore mentioned computer issues that I have been having at work. However, my take on it now is hopefully of a different tone, because I had an epiphany this morning driving here. I realized I am a child of the most amazing father ever. The same father whose children were stoned, crucified, crucified upside down, jailed an embarrassed beyond belief. The most unbelievable thing about all of the children that went through those things and probably worse is that they were glad to do it. They enjoyed doing it, because they were on their way home. They were headed for glory and they desired more than anything to serve their father, wherever he called them, including those above situations. I was just bombarded with that thought this morning and it forced me to think, maybe this isn't the worse thing ever, and despite my personal feelings towards the situation and the people involved in it, I'm headed for Glory, I am on my way home. While I have been blessed with a brain and the ability to think critically through situations, situations that are out of my control like these put me into a terribly precarious position. I can try and think/talk my way out of whatever I seem to have gotten myself into, I can take my punishment and be upset, or I can rely on the individual preparing my lot in heaven for me. I decided on the way here this morning that my worrying over this and hopefully many similar situations in life is over, my excitement has begun. The excitement that my Father, my God is preparing something for me so much better than this. I won't duck my responsibilities and I won't shy away from thinking, or being rational, I will just have this, the most unbelievable trump card, in my back pocket.

That being said I was convicted of one of the hardest things I've ever heard yesterday. Natalie shared with me that I wasn't showing her how excited I was only three days away from our wedding, and the worst part was, she was right. I haven't been there emotionally for her the last week and a half as I've been trying to mentally and emotionally prepare myself for all of this. I have tried to maintain every aspect of this wedding in it's respective compartment, except I seem to have done that with my emotions towards her and that is a mistake. I must let my emotions run wild for her this day and assure her that there is nothing greater than this Saturday. I have looked forward to it for virtually as long as I can remember and to be able to have her with me forever and ever makes me just smile thinking about it. So I talked to her already this morning and have put a different tone into our conversations, a tone I hope begins to show her that there is nothing of greater importance to me in this world than her. If anything gets in the way of that love I will address, because I want her to know, there is nothing I wouldn't do to protect, serve, provide and most importantly LOVE her.

Well more people are starting to arrive here at work, so I best stop blogging. I'm off at half day today, so my next blog will most likely be as a married man. A married man with a wife who is my best friend and I feel pretty freaking lucky...out...

I know I say it a lot, but WOW, I'm one confused dude. I've never been more certain about one thing, my marriage to take place on Saturday and conversely, I've never been more confused about my career. Here I was yesterday ready to never set foot in this awful place again, and today I have a renewed sense of hope for some eerie reason. I hated my work when I got here today, it made me sick to walk in the door. Then I turn on my computer and what does my calendar remind me, that today is my annual performance review. I knew it would go well, my boss appreciates me, and likes me, because she knows I work hard for her and will bust my but whenever I need to. I got an above average score and I am getting a raise, so those were both items of good news. However I came across the street to do some more work, still not thrilled about the name on my company badge, and who walks in the but the old CEO of my division. The guy who hired me here, the guy who lead me to believe I could do great things, and the guy who moved to Atlanta about a year ago and I haven't heard from since basically leaving me thinking that our relationship meant more to me than it did to him.

Who the heck knows what to think or do. I know I can't worry about it this week. I know I'm going to be worrying about nothing next week on my honeymoon. I know that when I get back to Nashville on December 1 I'm going to have to sit down with my then wife and we'll have to make some hard decisions as a household. I'm not really looking forward to those decisions. Natalie hates this company, she thinks they've mistreated me and done way too many things to me to ever remaining loyal to them. I still have hope for my relationship with my company, because to my detriment I have too much hope in everything. I have to much hope in too many people and they usually let me down, and like many people I've put too much hope in, my work has let me down just the same. There's no worse feeling than being let down. The most painful is probably when someone lets you down on a commitment like marriage, but even when little commitments are broken, it's a small tingling of the same pain.

I don't know what I'm going to do, I just know that I cannot freaking wait to get married, it's going to be the most amazing week + of my life and I wouldn't like to go through it all with anyone else but Natalie. We moved most of my stuff into the new place this weekend and it was enthralling to consider the thought of waking up everyday with her next to me. She is my strong tower and my love, and will always remain both. Let the madness begin.....af