The cuts on your heart from people that care about you are the ones that really hurt. I think the reasons most celebrities don't care about nine out of the ten things written about them is because they don't care about the people that are writing them. You know my brother said something to me yesterday that still hurts now. I know I shouldn't let things that come from a 21 year old hot head who thinks he knows about 10X more than anyone bother me, especially since part of me used to be that guy too, but it does bother me. It bothers me partly because I think things that hateful and cruel used to come from me, and it bothers me because I can't believe my own brother would say such vicious things. I have brothers in life, brothers in faith and brothers on the field, and none of them have ever hurt me like that, but I've never been nearly as close to them as my blood brother who stood next to me one month ago yesterday as I took my vows and became a husband to my best friend.

It's been amazing the last twelve hours, the emotions I've felt in reacting to my brother's rage, the support I've received from Natalie, the tugs on my heart both good and bad telling me different paths I can go, and the little boy inside me who just wants to cry and run away and be at a safe place. Isn't your family, your only brother supposed to be that safe place, you'd think so. But not for me, at least not today. I suppose no person can be that safe place for another, that is why we need someone, something, greater than ourselves; however, I think every person out there wishes that they could simply run to another person, or another something, and feel better, feel safe, feel at home.

I wish these weren't the words that my fingers produced on this happy day, I mean it's Festivus for crying out loud. It's two days from Christmas, and it's also my parents 30th wedding anniversary, the very event that has brought upon me this fury of rage from my only brother. I can't do everything right, but geez, when someone you care about attacks you it makes you feel like you can't do anything right. It makes you feel completely incapable of doing anything at all, good or bad, it's debilitating, and that freaking sucks.

Part of me sends a giant F U to my brother this morning for bringing this all on and part of me wants to extend a hand of grace to the lost soldier that he is, not sure what battle to fight next, just always feeling that he needs to fight. But I know sticking out that hand is a risk, because too many times I've tried to do that and all that happens is he tries to attack once again. I'm not sure what I'll do, I know I'll get into our car this afternoon and drive the other direction, and hopefully my feelings of doubt, regret, sadness and incompetence stay here and I'm able to enjoy this most wonderful time of the year.